JOURNAL OF A CONCERNED AFRICAN: PAPA ...

JOURNAL OF A CONCERNED AFRICAN:                                      PAPA


      ...:                                      PAPA                I remember you today as the keke stops by an obituary poster of a 48 years old ...

                                     PAPA


      
        I remember you today as the keke stops by an obituary poster of a 48 years old man. I remember yours read 58. papa do you know how my heart broke, it was in that moment I believed you had died really. I looked at that poster with your picture by the side and it hit me afresh. You in your milk color chinos and coffee brown jacket with your piercing words and dry sarcasm. Your conscious way of greeting and speaking so you don’t say the wrong things, your aloofness whenever you wrap your yellow towel as you proceed to to take your bath in that bathroom that consistently smells of poo. I could sense your deep sadness as though you were a forgotten passer by. sorrow is not a companion anyone would want to have. Did you see how Ake Nico was shouting your name,
Johnnnnnnnnn, Johnnnnnn, ndo, ndo ke fele, welcome home John. oh John, welcome oooooooooo, Johhnnnnnnnnn, it made my soul tear with pains. It was an unbearable kind. I bit into my Benchie’s shoulders and held my heart tightly afraid it was falling off from my body. I know you would have been embarrassed in your usual cynical way. The pain lurks around with every scribble.
        They say before you loose a love one, you do know. It would have been why we had talked that Wednesday and the Thursday where you couldn't send the 5000 for me? papa, do you know how I found out? David called me and said something like,  have I heard and I asked him very quickly,
'papa don die? " he said no but mama Ngozi  called me on Friday of the next week :
'Sarah, I wan tell you something, papa don die'... There was a long pause, then silence then the prolonged scream of my life,  and all my neighbors at villa suite came to Ruth's room. I remember the first sharp pain in my heart. Immediately  I put myself together because I wasn’t sure how long anyone would understand or console my broken heart. Took my bath and proceeded to the church. My next emotion was fear, who will pay my fees, Phil 4 :3 stirred in my heart. I immediately called my boyfriend, yeah I had one then. Do you know he blamed me for not coming to give you that balm I bought for you when I sneaked into kano to visit Ekene, papa he didn't even hug me, we broke up as expected otherwise that will be my first note to you, how like papa, do you know I finally met the love of my life? 
   papa, do you remember Hon. Anthony..., yes, that kind man, God bless his soul, that sheltered me when Auntie chased me away from her wadata residence? do you know he is dead too? papa he is too. I did not believe. I remained in denial for so long and blamed everything and everyone smh. Because in him I saw renaissance parenting where you could invite boys home and get teased about it or when he had take his bag for tennis or stopping by eatery some Sundays after service or his indulgence of ToyToy as I call her, just the general air of freedom that we didn’t have or didn't think we should. it was a difficult period in my life, loosing him. He represented class and exposure in my life. He was far from perfect but i eulogize him. 
         Papa Goddy is dead😭😭😭. Uncle's cries rings in a far distant voice in my heart even till this moment. Papa, this one touched me. I felt more like an onlooker. like I was not entitled to the feeling. As we step into the house, an heavy cloud was upon the atmosphere. 'akor, Goddy, goddy, ubeh bon' Goddy is gone. Auntie cries. Her tears pulls at my heart. Auntie calls him everyday and every other of her kids, her joyous smile the day he was born, a validation of her womanhood, her first and only son. The moment in which he takes his first steps and said his first words. Auntie's Goddy is gone. Ha, if you saw Auntie, my heart, Goddy had a bullet to his chest, some school riot took him away. I never met him. my heart was so broken  for the siblings my cousins ♥️ ♥️ . I still wonder how Auntie is. When the bus conveying Auntie, mama, Monica, Ruth, and the last one truffles to take off, the wailing  😭 of Auntie voice rings deep and every one starts to cry. It registers then as I watch the bus scuffles away, it is the last time , Goddy is never coming back again, then the tears flows, little drops initially then a wailing then a sob then silence and a repeated circle. Death is painful. There is no guarantee when the pain would go. I can still hear her voice saying my life is wasted, my life is wasted, Goddy I would trade places with you. Ah papa, death is painful even more  the death of a young person. Goddy was only 19. 😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭.  
 Rest on. I miss the moment we would have shared. The kindness you would have rob off me. I’m sorry we never met. I’m sorry my heart hurt even after a year. Sometimes I fear I cannot breath but I need you to give way to something new. As Auntie said, this kind does not just go away at once. On the day you remember, you cry afresh. 

      I still remember you lying on the single chair in your kabo yard apartment with your bed against the wall that overlooks weather head katanga, your fridge that constantly smells of indo seed and b-complex and later hypertensive, diabetes and some drugs I can't remember anymore. I remember how you would lye with your leg placed on the other as you engage in deep thoughts, I remember your continual insistence of lack of money whenever I would ask for fees, feeding allowances. I remember your dry sarcastic reply when I said something of online registration and you said,  taking a long sigh,'not only online, its on-land registration.'
   papa, you remember capt. that we use to pray for everyday when we are praying for your installation, do you know he helped me got a job? yes. God bless him. He is such a fine man now. yes I know how that works .😙
    papa, I remember our moment. In that quiet solemn evening, as you lay with your arms across your grey haired chest,with no amount of air sufficient to dry your profuse sweating, you said to me , " don't worry, no matter what, I will pay your fees". papa I have BSC now. yes a degree holder. your own daughter. All these people that they call professors, yes, one taught me and even emeritus. Papa, hey! see when I got introduced to Adichie, it was by a professor. The easy way with which he speaks signals intelligence. His words are greeted by our curious gazes and nods and jottings. His milk color chinos and a jacket , wow. Class! Simplicity! sophistication. Papa some people know book. Prof Akosu is one of those people. Prof. Shittu, Dr Andrew Abah, Nytse, Bagu, Ms Banka, ... papa do you know I speak fluent Received pronunciation of the English language now? yes ooo. Do you also know that I have read over 100  books, yes.  
papa do you know that Martha is now in California? I mean abroad. yes, colonial mentality is still lurking somewhere. but California is California. Happily married. happiness my friend just returned to Nigeria. Yes she was over seas. Papa I and celin stayed best friends, she's managing the lab now. Actually doing a fine job with it.

   Hmm, papa do you know you have 18 grand children now? yes 18. Papa do you know I have finally entered aeroplane? yes oo. I have. let me blow your mind self, it was business class I flew. I didn't even know how to use the seat belt but you know me and coordination na, just did like, do you mind? and she showed me. the quiet Hajiya. see how flew came out of my mouth, I mean who would have thought? Kai there is God somewhere. Gloria, that you will think does not have any emotion, cried the hardest at your death. enen na. You promised her that when she comes back from her last papers, you will submit it where she will get a job, then you went died. It broke her. But, she's a nurse now. yes, a nurse. wears uniform and barely makes up. will you believe that, no make up. true. papa, do you know that Ogwa has finished school? yes. A graduate finally. wow. 
  I know you are surprised as well am I am with my language and all, it was the way I would have wanted to relate and gist you things happening in my life. I miss what I imagine a family to be like. A place of solace and trust, a place of blooming love and genuine concern, a place of intimacy. a place of love! A place of father and mother expressive of emotions. I miss that concern that we never got, I miss the emotions that makes the world revolves. one thing is sure, I miss your intelligence and the whole aura of having a father in the sense of it. 

                            Memory At Seven

        The first memory of my mother  was at seven in our room and palor house at Egbe road. A largely populated area dominated by the very average and extremely above average people who live in one day peace one day war with their face me I face you neighbor. We had recently moved from Jaba, another small city in Kano where we left for during the Abacha stove era. My sister and I.

     I got up very early to take my shower. I looked up at the white rounded faced wall clock above the florescent light in our parlor minutes after minutes. I had recently been made the head girl of my school. I wrapped round my towel that had become deep earthen brown. The compound had two bathrooms with a slimy corridor and slippery walls surrounded by rats running ahead once the swish of matches is heard. To move the school forward was my one point agenda!

      It had rained the previous night and I had recently got a blue and white striped flay skirt with a tank top. The sun was setting. I leaned on the gate. It overlooks the street. Just across mama Mayorkun had placed a very massive pot on the fire that has three horns underneath while  Fatima and Afsat played different the same.

       Just ahead of the street I saw a woman with a yellow and green matted basket. The street no longer bustles as churches has taken over all residential homes. I stare as she proceeds with this air, this grace I could simply not understand. She smiles. I wonder.  her. A tickle in my heart recognizes her but I did not run to get her things nor embrace her. She must be tired her gait says that while the slouching of the basket indicates its heavy content. I must have been ashamed or disappointed  or maybe  to have the pity of people around when they say that is your mum and to blame my step mother for being the reason for such a rift. I walk slowly with my head facing downward while holding the black nylon where something lukewarm presses against my palms as  she scans my head and scratches off dirt with eyes of pity on us from my neighbors.

They had fight.  My father and  mother. My father for many days will simply look through the window. This recognizable stranger was who my mother had become.

S.J

FOR LOVERS OF NOVELS...BEST 2016

SOME GREAT IDEOLOGIES TO LIVE BY.









“Courage is an inner resolution to go forward despite obstacles; Cowardice is submissive surrender to circumstances. Courage breeds creativity; Cowardice represses fear and is mastered by it. Cowardice asks the question, is it safe? Expediency asks the question, is it politic? Vanity asks the question, is it popular? But conscience ask the question, is it right? And there comes a time when we must take a position that is neither safe, nor politic, nor popular, but one must take it because it is right.”

Darkness cannot drive out darkness; only light can do that. Hate cannot drive out hate; only love can do that.

The ultimate measure of a man is not where he stands in moments of comfort and convenience, but where he stands at times of challenge and controversy.

Faith is taking the first step even when you don't see the whole staircase.

njustice anywhere is a threat to justice everywhere.

I look to a day when people will not be judged by the color of their skin, but by the content of their character.

I have decided to stick with love. Hate is too great a burden to bear.

Life's most persistent and urgent question is, 'What are you doing for others?

The time is always right to do what is right.

We must learn to live together as brothers or perish together as fools.

“Every man must decide whether he will walk in the light of creative altruism or in the darkness of destructive selfishness. ”30

“

Science investigates; religion interprets. Science gives man knowledge, which is power; religion gives man wisdom, which is control. Science deals mainly with facts; religion deals mainly with values. The two are not rivals.”

“We must use time creatively, in the knowledge that the time is always ripe to do right.”

“There is nothing more tragic than to find an individual bogged down in the length of life, devoid of breadth.”

“Property is intended to serve life, and no matter how much we surround it with rights and respect, it has no personal being. It is part of the earth man walks on. It is not man.”

“The function of education is to teach one to think intensively and to think critically. Intelligence plus character – that is the goal of true education.”

All labor that uplifts humanity has dignity and importance and should be undertaken with painstaking excellence.”

“An individual has not started living until he can rise above the narrow confines of his individualistic concerns to the broader concerns of all humanity.”34

“Rarely do we find men who willingly engage in hard, solid thinking. There is an almost universal quest for easy answers and half-baked solutions. Nothing pains some people more than having to think.”29

“Every man lives in two realms: the internal and the external. The internal is that realm of spiritual ends expressed in art, literature, morals, and religion. The external is that complex of devices, techniques, mechanisms, and instrumentalities by means of which we live.”

“Shallow understanding from people of good will is more frustrating than absolute misunderstanding from people of ill will.”

“There comes a time when people get tired of being pushed out of the glittering sunlight of life’s July and left standing amid the piercing chill of an alpine November.”

All labor that uplifts humanity has dignity and importance and should be undertaken with painstaking excellence.”

“An individual has not started living until he can rise above the narrow confines of his individualistic concerns to the broader concerns of all humanity.”34

“Rarely do we find men who willingly engage in hard, solid thinking. There is an almost universal quest for easy answers and half-baked solutions. Nothing pains some people more than having to think.”29

“Every man lives in two realms: the internal and the external. The internal is that realm of spiritual ends expressed in art, literature, morals, and religion. The external is that complex of devices, techniques, mechanisms, and instrumentalities by means of which we live.”

“Shallow understanding from people of good will is more frustrating than absolute misunderstanding from people of ill will.”

“There comes a time when people get tired of being pushed out of the glittering sunlight of life’s July and left standing amid the piercing chill of an alpine November.”

“A lie cannot live.”

“The past is prophetic in that it asserts loudly that wars are poor chisels for carving out peaceful tomorrows”

“The limitation of riots, moral questions aside, is that they cannot win and their participants know it. Hence, rioting is not revolutionary but reactionary because it invites defeat. It involves an emotional catharsis, but it must be followed by a sense of futility.”

Martin Luther King Jr. Quotes on Love

“He who is devoid of the power to forgive is devoid of the power to love.”

“I believe that unarmed truth and unconditional love will have the final word in reality. This is why right, temporarily defeated, is stronger than evil triumphant.”

“There can be no deep disappointment where there is not deep love.”

“We must develop and maintain the capacity to forgive. He who is devoid of the power to forgive is devoid of the power to love. There is some good in the worst of us and some evil in the best of us. When we discover this, we are less prone to hate our enemies.”

“I have decided to stick with love. Hate is too great a burden to bear.” -Martin Luther King Jr.

“Nonviolence is absolute commitment to the way of love. Love is not emotional bash; it is not empty sentimentalism. It is the active outpouring of one’s whole being into the being of another.”

“Man must evolve for all human conflict a method which rejects revenge, aggression and retaliation. The foundation of such a method is love.”

“It is not enough to say we must not wage war. It is necessary to love peace and sacrifice for it.”

“Let no man pull you so low as to hate him.”

“There comes a time when one must take a position that is neither safe nor politic nor popular, but he must take it because his conscience tells him it is right.”22

“Everybody can be great … because anybody can serve. You don’t have to have a college degree to serve. You don’t have to make your subject and verb agree to serve. You only need a heart full of grace. A soul generated by love.”

“A man who won’t die for something is not fit to live.”

“We must build dikes of courage to hold back the flood of fear.”

“We must accept finite disappointment, but never lose infinite hope.”

“Those who are not looking for happiness are the most likely to find it, because those who are searching forget that the surest way to be happy is to seek happiness for others.”

“Never succumb to the temptation of bitterness.”

“Everybody can be great … because anybody can serve. You don’t have to have a college degree to serve. You don’t have to make your subject and verb agree to serve. You only need a heart full of grace. A soul generated by love.”

“By opening our lives to God in Christ, we become new creatures. This experience, which Jesus spoke of as the new birth, is essential if we are to be transformed nonconformists … Only through an inner spiritual transformation do we gain the strength to fight vigorously the evils of the world in a humble and loving spirit.”

“Now there is a final reason I think that Jesus says, ‘Love your enemies.’ It is this: that love has within it a redemptive power. And there is a power there that eventually transforms individuals. Just keep being friendly to that person. Just keep loving them, and they can’t stand it too long. Oh, they react in many ways in the beginning. They react with guilt feelings, and sometimes they’ll hate you a little more at that transition period, but just keep loving them. And by the power of your love they will break down under the load. That’s love, you see. It is redemptive, and this is why Jesus says love. There’s something about love that builds up and is creative. There is something about hate that tears down and is destructive. So love your enemies.”

“The God whom we worship is not a weak and incompetent God. He is able to beat back gigantic waves of opposition and to bring low prodigious mountains of evil. The ringing testimony of the Christian faith is that God is able.”

“I have a dream that one day every valley shall be exalted, every hill and mountain shall be made low, the rough places will be made straight and the glory of the Lord shall be revealed and all flesh shall see it together.”

“The first question which the priest and the Levite asked was: ‘If I stop to help this man, what will happen to me?’ But… the good Samaritan reversed the question: ‘If I do not stop to help this man, what will happen to him?’

“Seeing is not always believing.”

“The evidence of Martin Luther King Jnr’s “I have a dream” declaration was a passionate confirmation of how a dream meant for liberation, success and fulfilled life can become true.” ―Israelmore Ayivor, Shaping the Dream

“We can move in that direction as a country, in greater polarization – black people amongst blacks, and white amongst whites, filled with hatred toward one another. Or we can make an effort, as Martin Luther King Jr. did, to understand and to comprehend, and replace that violence, that stain of bloodshed that has spread across our land, with an effort to understand, compassion and love…. What we need in the United States is not division; what we need in the United States is not hatred; what we need in the United States is not violence and lawlessness, but is love and wisdom, and compassion toward one another, and a feeling of justice toward those who still suffer within our country, whether they be white or whether they be black.” ―Robert F. Kennedy

“Dr. Martin Luther King Jr.’s dream was a manifestation of hope that humanity might one day get out of its own way by finding the courage to realize that love and nonviolence are not indicators of weakness but gifts of significant strength.” ―Aberjhani, Illuminated Corners: Collected Essays and Articles Volume I

“We can’t answer King’s assassination with violence. That would be the worst tribute we could pay him.” ―Sammy Davis Jr.

“Courage is an inner resolution to go forward despite obstacles; Cowardice is submissive surrender to circumstances. Courage breeds creativity; Cowardice represses fear and is mastered by it. Cowardice asks the question, is it safe? Expediency asks the question, is it politic? Vanity asks the question, is it popular? But conscience ask the question, is it right? And there comes a time when we must take a position that is neither safe, nor politic, nor popular, but one must take it because it is right.”